Who’s been naughty, and who’s been nice, both on and off the ice

Posted by Big Rat on Campus on Jul 21, 2014 in Rat News | Subscribe

Christmas is in the air, and as diehard Canucks fans (don’t let the jokes fool you, we love this team), the only present we want would be delivered in June and weighs about 35¼ lbs.

But as they say, ’tis the season of giving, and as Canucks fans there are certain figures that deserve gifts, and others that deserve a swift kick in the butt.

So we here at the Legion of Blog have compiled our Nice and Naughty list and are hoping to deliver the following presents before Santa beats us to it:

Nice JOHN TORTORELLA Why: Rescued us from the deadpuck loving Alain Vigneault, and gave all media in Vancouver something to write about every single day.

What we’d put in his stocking: A golden bust of Chris Tanev’s legs, so he can go to sleep every night picturing blocked shot after blocked shot.

ELLIOT FRIEDMAN Why: Called out CBC analyst/career backup goalie Glenn Healy for being an immature dink when attacking John Tortorella.

What we’d put in his stocking: A contract to be lead analyst on “Rogers Sportsnet Presents: Rogers Hockey Night in Canada … Rogers!” CANUCKS HEAD ATHLETIC TRAINER MIKE BURNSTEIN Why: With Torts’ new shotblocking initiative, this guy works harder than most keeping blue and green from being black and blue.

What we’d put in his stocking: Roll of Tensor bandage. It’s like duct tape for athletic trainers. They can never have enough.

ARTHUR GRIFFITHS Why: In the face of Milan Lucic lambasting the city of Vancouver, the ex-Canucks/Grizzlies owner jumped in the ring and defended this city’s honour. We didn’t see that coming, but were glad it did.

What we’d put in his stocking: A promise to never ever mention the name “Big Country Reeves” around him ever again. This was hard. What do you get a man who has everything? ROBERTO LUONGO Why: Handled all the Cory Schneider nonsense of the last year like a pro, and returned to the Canucks with his mind focused on winning us that big silver trophy.

What we’d put in his stocking: A photoshopped picture of Roberto Luongo with his new backup goalie: Roberto Luongo.

EDDIE LACK Why: He has quickly transitioned from a question mark in net to an emphatic exclamation mark in net. That’s a fun of way of saying he’s been pretty awesome this year.

What we’d put in his stocking: A Team Canada jersey, because even though we like the guy, he needs to support a winning team for the Olympics.

WHOEVER MADE THE DECISION TO FINALLY RETIRE PAVEL BURE’S NUMBER Why: Because Bure was the most exciting Canuck ever and this honour was long overdue.

What we’d put in his stocking: A Pavel Bure hockey card where he’s wearing #96 with a note saying “Retire in 2014?” Naughty BRAD MARCHAND Why: If he isn’t punching a Sedin in the face or low-bridging Sami Salo, he’s miming kissing his Stanley Cup ring. He is probably enemy No. 1 in B.C. right now.

What we’d put in his stocking: Cheese, because even though we dislike him, you should always feed your pet rats.

GLENN HEALY Why: Glenn Healy’s personal mission in life seems to be dedicated to finding things wrong with Vancouver.

What we’d put in his stocking: Tapes from the 1994 Stanley Cup Finals so he can see video of the players on his team who actually earned that Cup ring.

GARY BETTMAN Why: He is a mainstay on the naughty list. His inclusion provides the very foundation of the naughty list. We hate him, basically.

What we’d put in his stocking: Phoenix Coyotes attendance records, and a postcard from Quebec.

MARK MESSIER Why: Reasons to numerous to list here, if we had a three-page spread we’d get into it.

What we’d put in his stocking: It would be smelly. That’s all we’re going to say on the matter.

Article source: http://www.theprovince.com/been+naughty+been+nice+both/9315549/story.html

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