Thursday’s Edge: Put the blame on name

Posted by Big Rat on Campus on Jul 19, 2013 in Rat News | Subscribe

Here we are, two weeks later, and reports are that the Vatican still has that new Pope smell. But what about the old Pope, you ask? Where did he go? What’s he up to?

Perhaps the answer can be found in his name. At least, The Washington Post thinks so. You see, the Post recently asked readers to write something about a person using only the letters in his or her name.

Here are some of our favorite entries, starting with this dazzler about the former Pope:
Joseph Ratzinger: So, I retire as pope — it’s not right to phone it in, so I resign. To raise pet rats in a spare garage? To open a retro Gap store in Pretoria? To sponsor aspiring rappers in Ephrata, Pa.? To terrorize priests in Paris or inspire neo-Nazi rioting in Tanzania? Nein to that, nein! Prepare to see the Great Joe Zero-G, trapeze artist!

Angus MacGyver: Uses sunscreen, a car gauge, mucus, an eraser, mascara, a cane, garage grease, a N.Y. egg cream, gum — unarms a gang, rescues a granny, saves a nun. Vacuums mess. Cures cancer.

Brigham Young: Bigamy? Ha! I’m marrying Miriam, Mary, Ann, Hannah, Amy. (all were Young’s actual wives)

Hillary Rodham Clinton: Lay road to nomination: To do:
– Find rich, rich donor (critical!)
– Traction on Hill? Am I too chilly to Harry and Nancy?
– Mr. Clinton? Hard to ditch (control him!!)
– Command military. Cool! Rarin’ to do it.
– Lid on it till May. Told CNN to chill.
– Man, I can nail it!

Anthony Weiner: A horny tweet: “Hey there, honey. Hot to trot here.” A wiener on Twitter! Heh-heh. What a hoot!

Oh-oh. A writer on the horn.

I tarry: “What? No way, no how! Not I!” Then I wait, try not to worry.
Whoa. Another writer, an ornery one. I rant, threaten to hire an attorney.
Oy, yet another. . . . They’re on to it. I won’t win.
Weary, I retreat: “Yeah, I hit on her.”
What now? I retire in notoriety — an Internet nitwit.

William Howard Taft: What? Too fat? A load of lard? Hah! I will root for him to roar, to dart forward, to thwart T.R.

Lance Armstrong: Testosterone! More testosterone!

Vladimir Lenin: Madman. Animal. Rivaled Idi Amin in evil. And never, ever, delivered marmalade in a lavender minivan.

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